The self "fix" spiral

Once finally being sensible and going to the doctor it quickly took a not very sensible turn when, against the doctor's advice, I opted not to take anti-depressants. I was convinced that this wasn't an illness, my body was working just fine I was just weak and had to triumph over it myself.
A truly ridiculous notion in hindsight. That is not how depression works.

I humoured the doctor by at least trying natural remedies. In this case St John's Wort: basically a placebo. And definitely didn't do a thing.

So after being smart and seeking professional help I quickly ruined it, ignored it, and entered a spiral crusade to make my own "happiness." Needless to say a crusade with no end in existence.

For those of you who haven't experienced mental health issues like depression here's the basic rundown. The chemical in your brain that is used to make you feel happiness/joy doesn't produce properly, so you can do whatever you want to try and find happiness but without that chemical you're fighting a losing battle.

Proceeding with this lack of knowledge I began to pursue any avenue that I believed would bring me happiness. And thus begun the spiral of stupid and impulsive mistakes.

Illness Origins

Like everyone suffering from a mental health issue, it had to start somewhere.

For me it's debatable. I was first aware of it at 17, during an apprenticeship into my first job.
Until then I wasn't very aware of illnesses like depression. Being friends with the vast majority being of the goth and emo variety there were many claiming to be depressed but there was no way of knowing if this was illness or a phase. Yet this was the only reference to this invisible illness I had.
Thinking back I think "was the fact I slept A LOT the first signs?" but I know now that every teenager sleeps all the time. They're like bears, or sloths.

So the first moment I noticed anything was wrong was in the middle of a work week, heading from one building to visit my manager and having the instant urge to hide behind a wall and weep.
It was the most baffling thing as I was never one to cry at anything, let alone what seemed like nothing.
In the coming weeks the feeling of absolute dread, that I'm sure all with depression can relate to, began to sink in. Ultimately resulting in myself waking from a dark hole filled daze, sitting on the floor of my bedroom, holding a knife to my wrist wanting this feeling to stop.
Luckily I came to a "what the hell are you doing?!" realisation before I did anything stupid. I realise today the distraction "benefits" of self harm but at the end of the day it's still and unhealthy method and specifically avoid it.

From that self harm near miss I did the sensible thing and sought out professional help from my doctor.
And screwed it up by making the biggest mistake I made for my mental health: turning down prescription medicine.